


Anything But

by theaterkid821



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Other, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-12
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-10-26 17:33:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17750363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theaterkid821/pseuds/theaterkid821
Summary: Connor hasn't seen you since high school when you left after horrible event. Seeing him years later, unknown to him, brings back these painful memories. But can you get over them to be with him?





	1. Part 1

You take one last look around your apartment, still feeling as if something was off. You weren’t sure what it was, but there was definitely something that seemed different today. When you figured everything was in its place, you put on your suit jacket and head off to Starbucks before work. You had a big meeting today which decided whether or not you got a promotion, so this meeting needed to go well.   
Once you were at your usual spot sipping your usual drink, you noticed someone new at the café. Not like there weren’t new people all the time here, but they looked almost familiar to you. She was wearing some generic shirt, had indigo streaks in her hair, and had drawn stars on the cuffs of her jeans. All of this could lead to her being any person in the world, but it was the eyes that captured you. She resembled Zoe Murphy to a frightening degree. She turned her head and saw you.  
Not only did she resemble Zoe Murphy, she was Zoe Murphy. You can feel the panic setting in already. She walks towards you and looks at you in disbelief, “(Y/N), is that you?” you get up and smile, hiding your extreme anxiety right now.  
“Yeah, it’s me… how are you?”  
“Good, good… you know, Connor is in the bathroom and should be out any minute now. You should say hi, he’d be so happy to see you”  
“Oh, I don’t think that’s really neces-”  
As soon as you say that, a man, who you assumed to be Connor, wraps his arms around Zoe, “who’s this? Is this the one you were talking about that you met online?”  
“Ha!” she giggles and pushes her brother off of her, “do they look like a person I would date? No this is (Y/N), from high school.”  
He looks at you in pure shock, “(Y/N)? no way. Wow… you look… you’ve changed a lot since high school.”  
“Oh…” you’re not sure whether he means that as a good or bad thing, “thanks, I guess…”  
He immediately backtracks, “oh no, I didn’t mean it like that, I meant it as a good thing.”  
You can feel the anxiety bubbling up. You know that if you’re talking to them any longer, you’d for sure go into a panic attack. You quickly spurt out, “well this has been fun, but I have to go.” You write down your number on a napkin next to you. “text me whenever, okay?” and with that you leave.   
WHY ON EARTH DID YOU GIVE HIM YOUR NUMBER, your mind screams at you. as you walk to work you take deep breaths, “it’s okay… just breathe… he probably won’t call you… and even if he did, this isn’t high school anymore… you’re in a much better place…”


	2. Part 2

Connor’s POV  
(Y/N) (Y/L/N). The name that has forever been burned into my soul. Since the day I met them, I knew that they were something special. I remember the day that I met them like it were yesterday. It was junior year of high school at Newtown High. Me and my twin Daniel were about to sit at our usual table and they were sitting there.  
Now, something to probably note here is that Daniel and I are exact opposite personalities. Daniel Murphy is the definition of a player. I mean he dates all the girls, and the guys in our school. And when he has his eyes on a person, he won’t stop until they go out with him or humiliate him.   
Regardless, there they were; casually doodling in their notebook with the adorable face they make when they’re very concentrated. I start to walk over to them and say, “excuse me, I-”  
They then immediately cut me off with, “oh I am so sorry I didn’t mean to take your seat. I can just pack up my stuff and we can forget this ever happened.”   
“No no, please sit. I was just gonna say that you could join us if you want.”  
“Oh thanks…” they sat back down and tried to get comfortable, “I’m (Y/N).”  
I go to shake their hand, but Daniel beats me to it, “Daniel Murphy, nice to meet you.” I try to butt in, but he keeps pushing me aside until he says, “oh, and this is my brother Connor.” All I can do is give them a blushing smile and wave. Daniel takes the seat next to them and I sit beside him, setting the tone for what would be the best and worst year of my entire life.


	3. Part 3

Your POV  
The meeting went great… well, it went great after you calmed yourself down from the near-anxiety attack this morning. But you got the promotion and you were ecstatic. You were out to lunch with your best friend when your morning’s actions come back to bite you in the butt. Your phone was sitting on the table as you were having a casual conversation when it started to buzz signaling a new text message came through. You pick it up to see who it is.  
Unknown Number  
Hey, it’s Connor. I know we didn’t have the most time getting to catch up this morning so maybe we could catch up later tonight? If you’re free I’d love to talk.  
“Oh shit” you say as you quickly shut your phone off and put it back in your pocket.   
“what was that” your friend Taylor asks.   
“Nothing” you respond quickly, “just saw someone from high school this morning, gave them my number, and now regretting it entirely.”  
“A person from high school… like a crush?”  
“Well-” before you can finish, Taylor takes your phone and looks at the message.  
“He’s totally asking you out on a date.”  
“What? No. I haven’t seen him in years. He isn’t asking me out on a date.”  
“He’s totally asking you out on a date.” Taylor immediately unlocks your phone and texts back a response;  
Works for me. See you at 7? ;)  
You immediately snatch your phone from them and look at the text. “Taylor are you crazy? He’s gonna get the wrong idea!”  
“Oh come on (Y/N). You haven’t been out on a date in months! You need to do this. For your own sanity. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease?” and then they gave you the puppy eyes.  
You huff, knowing that you weren’t gonna win this argument no matter what you do, “fine. You win.”  
“Awesome! Now let’s go and get you a new outfit. You are gonna look so amazing he’s gonna be blown away.”  
“I guess but…” you look to the side for a moment, “it’s just… I’ve changed a lot since we last saw each other.”  
“For better or for worse?”  
“Better, definitely for the better. He met me when I was… at a low point in my life.” Taylor didn’t know anything about your high school times and you really didn’t want to get into them now. “I don’t want him thinking I’m still in that place.”  
“Did he help you at least?”  
You hesitate, “at the time I thought no but now I know he did. But after he did, I moved, and we didn’t really speak.”  
“Oh…” they look around, trying to find anything to change the topic of conversation. “So what kind of look are you going for tonight?”


	4. Part 4

Connor’s POV  
Everything was fine until the day that Daniel asked them out. I always knew he liked them, but it stung to see them together. Especially since he knew I liked them. And it hurt more so that (Y/N) knew that he was the definition of a man-whore but went along with it anyway. It stung to my very core.   
I was sitting with them during our fee period and they just looked so gorgeous. Even in their signature black hoodie and sweatpants, my eyes couldn’t look anywhere but them. I tried to keep my mind off of things like that, but it’s so had when I see them right in front of me. We were working on separate school things when I look at them and ask, “so how’s it going with Daniel?”  
“Oh,” they look and respond as if the question had completely caught them off guard, “it’s good. It’s really nice. He’s really sweet… I hope you’re okay with it. I mean he is your brother.”  
“What? Oh come on! It’s fine… w-why wouldn’t it be?”  
“I don’t know… you just” as they went to gesture something, their hand knocked over the water bottle on their desk, water spilling everywhere, “Shit.”   
I go to go to the bathroom, to pick up some paper towels, but they stop me, “it’s fine. What are sweatshirt sleeves for if not for this?” Before I can say anything, they wipe it up and sit back down for work. “Don’t you wanna dry that off?” I ask, sitting back down.  
“No, it’s fine. I’m used to it by now.”  
“But aren’t your wrists freezing?”  
“Well yeah but-”  
“So why don’t you take it off?”  
“I… I… I can’t”  
“What do you mean?”   
“It’s complicated. I just can’t. Connor please just drop it.”  
“I will not drop it. What are you hiding.”  
“I’m not hiding anything!”  
“You’re acting like you are! Just tell me what’s wrong. From the way you’re acting you’d think that you” and then it hits me, and I fall silent. My anger washes away when I realize it. “How long?”  
I watch as they pause. “I don’t even know anymore. Do you think I keep track?”  
“Let me see.”  
“Connor, I-”  
The bell rings and they quickly pack up their bag. I follow them out the door, “(Y/N) please show me.”  
“What does it matter to you, huh? Why do you care?”  
“Because you’re my friend! And I care about you and want you to be okay, isn’t that worth something!” I take a deep breath, to calm myself down, “(Y/N), please”  
They look down in shame and nod. I slowly take their arm and roll up the sweatshirt sleeve. And I see them. Dozens of slashed scars and scabs. Some looked fairly new and others looked quite old and my heart broke. How could someone so amazing not see the beauty that lies within them.   
“Oh (Y/N) …”  
“Just, promise me you won’t tell anyone. Especially Daniel, not Daniel. I couldn’t do this to him.”  
I nod, promising them a promise that was so hard to keep. It turned out to be the worst mistake of my life.


End file.
